Now What?

Well, so far, so good. No further spotting (knock on wood). I am scared to say that because I fear something bad will happen. Like the gods of pregnancy will be looking and saying, look at that smug bitch, we'll get her. (some credit has to go to Liana, I believe she said similar things). That doesn't change feeling that way, ya know?

NBHHY. I'm just waiting for it.

The other thing is the feeling of what do I do now? I don't feel like I really belong anywhere. As I am pg, I am not currently IF (or am I?). I, however, do not feel really like I belong with those who are pg.

There is also the guilt. Guilt for those who are still trying. It seems so unfair that there are so many wonderful women who are trying so hard, and have not yet achieved a pg that hangs around.

Of course, I still don't feel that this is really real. I don't really have any morning sickness, but do feel a little "blah". I am tired all the time. However, I tend to wake up around 3am then about every hour or half-hour until I get up at 7 or so (weekend) or 6 during the week.

So I'll go back to NBHHY and just hope.

and the next?

Today's beta at 13dp3dt (16 days past retrieval) is 1020.

Doubling time of 42. hrs.

Not too shabby. I haven't had any spotting for a couple of days (knock on wood)

We're now reaching the time frame where I lost my other pregnancies. So I'm on tenterhooks.

And the verdict is:

Beta HCG today: 468 Today is 11dp3dt (or 14 days post retrieval)

Not too shabby. Will now await Thursdays' numbers....

I was tagged

Guess that means "I'm IT"

here goes:

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was finishing up my General Surgery residency and trying to decide if I was going to do a fellowship. Also trying to figure out how to tell my then husband I didn't want to be married to him anymore

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Enjoying my new Job in Minnesota.

Name 5 Snacks you enjoy
Popcorn
Chips and dip
Nachos and salsa
brownies
cheese

Name 5 things you would do with a million dollars
Pay off bills: Mortgage, cars, student loans primarily. These would allow me to not worry about job stress quite so much.

5 bad habits
hate housework
I will wash and dry clothes, but hate folding and putting them away
I procrastinate, A LOT
buying things we don't really NEED
driving too fast

5 things I like doing
spending time with hubby
playing with the dog
driving too fast
reading blogs
daydream about a new car

5 things I would never wear, buy, or get new again...
elephant leg pants
bikini
hip huggers
high heels
fur coat (never had one, but I'd never get one)

5 favorite toys or games
Munchkin
PS2
catch phrase
toys that we play with the dog
Lord of the Rings

Scare

Ugh, I had a bit of a scare this am. Got up to pee, POAS (yes, again) and it immediately came up positive. EPT this time.

Went to wipe and there was a small amount of brown discharge. Not much, but having had 4 miscarriages in the past, this is how they all started. So, friggin scare the everloving shit out of me.

I've been to pee twice more since then and not really any spotting or anything now.

I am not sure how strong I can be if this is all for naught, KWIM?

Sigh

Yes, I am an addict

But I can stop whenever I want... really. My husband doesn't believe it though.

I'm on stick #3. Yes, I am a POAS addict. It was so bad, that last night I made hubby stop at the 24 hour supermarket to try to buy some, but they are under lock and key. Since I live in a town of about 16K and my picture has been in the paper recently several times (an ad campaign for the hospital), didn't think I should broadcast it, ya know?

Well, like I said, I'm on stick #3 (started Thursday night, then yesterday evening now this am). First one was unequivocally negative. Last nights was, well, there were two lines. Today, there is unquestionably two lines.

Beta is Tuesday. I've got 3 more sticks to use till then. I'll really have to work hard on doing at least one with FMU. LOL

Other than two lines on a HPT, I have no other real symptoms that I can't attribute to the massive amounts of estrogen and progesterone I take daily.

Not sure how I feel right now either. It's very difficult... as many of you know.. to go through several years of IF, miscarriages, invasive treatments and still have feelings of hope at the end.

I'll keep you poasted (oops, posted)

Grrr

Somehow, I apparently changed settings on my blog only allowing those on the "team" to comment. Thank goodness for friends letting me know!

I apologize to anyone who tried to comment, but was unable to.

On the IVF front, there is nothing new to add. No real symptoms going on. I'm taking drugs, having some breast tenderness, but seem to have more tenderness during an unmedicated cycle.

I've had occasional twinges in my pelvis, but nothing that I can pinpoint. I'm still doing well with the caffeine (staying away from it, that is). I've been drinking a lot of water and some fruit juices and some gatorade.

I'll think about POAS maybe this weekend. But I'm scared that if I see a BFN I"ll get crazy. Although there is a part of me deep inside that says that I'm not pregnant.

5dp3dt

And I'm losing it. It is so hard waiting. I think I saw on Cecily's blog that as of 1/13/06 I am PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). That is still a tough thing.

On the positive side, I quit my horrible Diet Peps* and Mounta8n D3w habit. Quit it cold turkey. Didn't have any headaches either, and I usually do get them. I think the Lupron headaches took away my capability of having headaches for a while (maybe not, but that's my story now).

I have this dreaded urge to POAS. It's stupid, I shouldn't do it. I'll make sure I don't buy any of those HPT's.... (yeah, right).

Beta is 6 days away....

SIX

We have six embryos to freeze! Yay :)

Hopefully we won't need them, or will only need them for a sibling, but I can't really think that positively. Six is a good number though.

Today is 2dp3dt. I have 9 more days to go until beta. ARRRRGGGGHHHH.

At least I get to go back to work tomorrow. That'll take my mind off of things... somewhat.

And thank you to everyone for their kind comments. I can't believe I get any comments!

The everpopular 2ww has begun

I'm home.

We transferred 2 beautiful 8 celled embryos. They were both compacting, which is apparently good. Transfer went without any problems.

The valium let me be less stressed on the drive. I drive better than my hubby, he's one of the first to say so. Traffic in the cities sucks, to put it nicely. Our drive which is usually 1hr 45 minutes was a good 2 hours.

On the way home... I just got to sleep, which was nice. Then took a nap for about 2 hours. Now I'm laying on the couch with one of the cats laying on my legs and the dog on the floor next to me. Hubby is on the couch also.

Beta is in 11 days.

Waiting is FUN

Hi everyone. Sorry that this is so late in the day :)

I sat at home all morning waiting for the embryologist to call. Waiting and waiting.... no call. C got home from class and asked "what did they say?" I was like we didn't get a call yet, I bet something bad happened, and they wanted to wait.

So I told him I was going to take a shower (I hadn't even done that for fear of missing the phone)... and he could answer the phone. Gave him instructions what to ask and all that.When I got upstairs, I decided to check and make sure we didn't have any messages. They called at 8:52am Central time. The phone sure as spit never rang. SO I called them back. They had left time for retrieval and stuff.

They got 22 eggs and 17 fertilized!!! They will pick out the best embryos tomorrow and take pictures and all that. I am so excited! We should have a good number to freeze. Yippee! I will take 10 mg of Valium before transfer. I hardly drink and take no medications, so it should hit me like a ton of bricks. Our clinic typically transfers 2.



I'll keep you updated as I lay in my 48hours of bedrest :).

K

Waiting... and waiting

It seems as if when you have problems conceiving, everything is all about the wait (and often the weight, also). One is always waiting for something. You're waiting for your period to end or to begin. You're waiting for the next appointment. Waiting waiting waiting.

Guh.

Now the wait is for tomorrow's phone call. The embryologist is to call and let us know how things are going. We will also find out when to show for transfer (you see, I'm assuming there WILL BE a transfer). Of course there is always the chance that none fertilized or none grew or ....

The drugs are driving me batshit. I tried the other night 4 times to give myself the PIO shot. I've given myself so many shots that I don't know why I just couldn't. But I couldn't. I got shaky and flushed. :( I have given myself IM shots before too. Maybe there is only so many needles one girl can stick herself with, eh?

So we find out tomorrow.

I'll let you know.

Things are progressing.

The donor got her HCG on Sunday. She goes to retrieval tomorrow. I was told she has 11 follicles that look mature. Hoping that we get 11 eggs.

Hubby goes tomorrow also to give his donation.

I had a mini-meltdown tonight. C was at school and I start my PIO shots tonight. I think I have heard way too much about how horrible these are. I was going to give it to myself, but could NOT do it.

I've given myself plenty of shots. Gonal-F, Follistim, Pergonal, Lupron, Lovenox (STINGS). Pergonal is an IM shot. I had to give it to myself a few times during my IVF cycle. HCG - IM. No problem. I think reading about other folks experiences with PIO made me hesitant.

Anyway, we should go to transfer on Friday. I get to take 10mg of valium and drink plenty of fluids so I have a full bladder. Sounds like grand fun, eh?

Insurance and Flex accounts suck

As with many, we have insurance. Also as with many, it does not cover IVF. No problem, I say. I'll put the max in my Flex account this year. That way, it will at least be pre tax dollars and lessen my tax burden. Of course, if you have a flex account, you know that if you don't use it, you lose it. (which I think is BS - IT IS MY MONEY). So...

Here is where I get pissed at my RE's office. They will not provide any itemized bills for the DE IVF cycle. It's a "package". So I send in a copy of my receipt to the FLex people. (hey, 13K is nothing to sneeze at... and that doesn't include the donor payout). I get rejected. Fuckers.

So I have to Appeal. I have to Appeal to get my own money. It's not like I'm making any money on this deal. FUCKERS. you'd think I'm taking dinner off of the flex people's table.

Pisses me off (can you tell).

On our way - to somewhere

Happy eve of New Years Eve everyone. Hope that 2006 brings us all what we're hoping for.

The other day, hubby and I were driving to a friend's house for dinner. I asked him what he thought of our upcoming DE cycle, as we haven't talked about it much other than to decide to do it. His comment was along the lines of "it's almost a shame we have this technology, but it would be nice if we could just get on with it.." Now I didn't take umbrage, but I know some would. In his mind, if we just faced whatever (adoption, life without kids) we would be better off. DE is not a 100% guarantee... unfortunately. He hates to see me hurt, as I do after a failed cycle. I love him for that.

So, got to visit with the wand monkey yesterday. Lining is good, await estrogen levels, but I'm swimming in EWCM, so it should be a nice high number. Donor should be starting stims ... we're on our way.

We call them next Friday to see where the donor is and find out when she gets her HCG. I took the following week off, so hopefully it'll be early in the week.

The Great White North

Or something like that. We moved to Minnesota in March of 2004. Moved in our SUV with 3 cats. Nowhere to stay along the way... so we drove straight through with a stop at a rest area in Ohio (I believe) for a cat nap. Almost 24 hours in the car.

Moved into our house. Cats, hubby and myself getting acclimated. Start talking about trying to get an appointment at a new RE to get started. We do that, and the RE says that we really should think strongly about donor egg. We're not so keen at first. So we wait.

Then in November we say, hey, let's get on the list. Well, it takes around a year to get to the top of the list. YIKES. We sign up.

Just going about life. I'm working and hubby is going back to school. Life is good. Not really keeping good tabs on my cycle... and surprise. April of 2005 I take a HPT because it's been a while since my period.. and it's +!

Get a beta and it's around 200. Repeat goes over 700. Things look good, right? Well I'm not convinced. I have a feeling of dooooom. And in a couple of days, I start spotting. Of course it can be nothing... what do you think? It is definitely something. Beta is now only 900. Start having right sided pains and my OB/GYN thinks I might be having an ectopic. Ultrasound is inconclusive. Go on to beta falling to zero and a miscarriage.

So thank goodness we did not take ourselves off of the list, right? Now just continue to wait. We do finally get a match... it's now October....

Donor then gets a job promotion and we have to put off our cycle for a month.

We are now in the midst of the donor egg cycle. I'll keep you all posted!

Here we go again...

After the last miscarriage, we had to make a move. We were moving from NC to PA. Hubby's family lives in PA, and my family consists of my sister and a niece who live in Florida. We wanted to move closer to family and chose the hubby's as I do NOT want to live in Florida. So off we go....

I haven't mentioned what I do yet, have I? I am a general and vascular surgeon. So we moved to PA and I had a job working in Trenton, NJ. Not the best move for me. The hospital was in a bad area and I worked as if I were back in residency. Now that's not all bad, if you are making reasonable money. But the people I worked with... It didn't seem as if they really wanted me to succeed. So.....

While there, we went to our second RE. She was nice... Some of her office staff leaves a lot to be desired, but nothing is perfect. So, still unexplained IF. Let's do injectables and IUI.

Now many of you know that IF coverage is mandatory in NJ... But hubby is carrying the insurance and his company is in PA. So no coverage for meds . Do have some coverage for ultrasounds and blood work. But at any rate, we go through 3 injectable IUI cycles. No success with any of those. I responded less and less for each one, despite increasing the dose of meds.

Moving on to IVF.

Do one cycle of IVF... get 7 follies, 5 eggs, 4 fertilize and divide, transfer 3 (why didn't we do 4, I don't know)....

No success here either.

Sigh. We are depressed, as you can imagine. Time to take some time off from intervention and besides, my job and my hubby's job are both so crazy that we just don't really have time to do anything. So we're working on another move... new job for me and a new state:

MINNESOTA here we come.

History Part Deux (same ol same ol)

So we left off where finally, get a positive on a home pregnancy test followed by a miscarriage. Well we were quite depressed, as you might imagine. To have the goal seem so close, yet still so far away. But the good news is that we COULD get pregnant... just have to try more.

So, out comes the monitor again and the charting. We can do this, we said. Now I've read up more and have read about luteal phase defects and low progesterone. I had the miscarriage in May... and low and behold, on our first wedding anniversary, another BFP! Now this one has to work, right? How could fate be so cruel as to give me a pregnancy and then take it away.

Fate can and is that cruel, as many of you in blogland know. I had a beta done and it was positive (double digits, but I can't remember the number). Progesterone level (I had to badger to get that done) was low. Started on suppositories, to no avail. Beta numbers did not double. Repeat 2 days, more of the same. Ultrasound, no sac, no evidence of a tubal, but it is likely that this pregnancy was either a tubal or a chemical pregnancy. Spotting/bleeding followed, beta levels to zero.

Next cycle... not starting as it should. On a whim, I take a test.. It is positive. Now, remember that the beta went to ZERO after my miscarriage.... So is it to be???

Nope. More of the same as the last. Low beta, slow rising. This time, had to induce a miscarriage with the drug put up the vagina (can't remember the name). Ugh.

So we're at 3 miscarriages.

More to come, I promise!

A little history on us

I haven't really gone into much detail about C and me. We have been together since September of 1998 and got married in October of 2001. We essentially never used any form of birth control during that time. I am currently 42 and he is 32.

Before we got married, we went through a preliminary workup for IF as we had been having regular sex and no pregnancy ensued. HSG - normal, SA - normal; bloodwork - normal. So, I fell into the unexplained category. I also have regular cycles 24-26 days like clockwork.

After marriage, I started charting and using a fertility monitor. Low and behold, in April of 2002 I got the so rumored unachievable double line! Life is good. Bloodwork obtained (beta only) and was good. Repeated in 2 days, more than doubled, life is great!

Now, knowing this is an IF blog and it is 3 + years later, there is more.

Of course later that day I began spotting. Repeat blood the next day and exam. Beta still increasing as it should, nothing on exam. Stopped spotting. Then later (mother's day weekend) I began bleeding in droves, with the worst cramps I could ever imagine. Of course they not only hurt the body, but the soul. I felt as if I was dying. My husband was supportive and was sad also.

No problem, we can try again, right?

TBC....

Saturday CD#1

I cannot for the life of me think up witty titles for my posts. There are so many in blogland who have such great wit, I, alas am not one of those. I can be very funny in person, but cannot write that way.

Today is CD#1 and day 6 of Lupron. I've been a little crabby the past couple of days, but that is kind of normal for me. I, over the years, have become more and more bitchy around the time of my period. And of course my poor hubby is typically the recipient of my crabbiness.

I will go on Thursday for an ultrasound and estrogen level. For this ultrasound, we want a thin thin lining and low estrogen (to show the lupron is doing it's thing).

I got a comment! I was so psyched. I never thought anyone would take the time to read the mumblings of someone like me.

Hope you bloggers on the East coast are all doing well, especially those in NJ north.