Now What?

Well, so far, so good. No further spotting (knock on wood). I am scared to say that because I fear something bad will happen. Like the gods of pregnancy will be looking and saying, look at that smug bitch, we'll get her. (some credit has to go to Liana, I believe she said similar things). That doesn't change feeling that way, ya know?

NBHHY. I'm just waiting for it.

The other thing is the feeling of what do I do now? I don't feel like I really belong anywhere. As I am pg, I am not currently IF (or am I?). I, however, do not feel really like I belong with those who are pg.

There is also the guilt. Guilt for those who are still trying. It seems so unfair that there are so many wonderful women who are trying so hard, and have not yet achieved a pg that hangs around.

Of course, I still don't feel that this is really real. I don't really have any morning sickness, but do feel a little "blah". I am tired all the time. However, I tend to wake up around 3am then about every hour or half-hour until I get up at 7 or so (weekend) or 6 during the week.

So I'll go back to NBHHY and just hope.

and the next?

Today's beta at 13dp3dt (16 days past retrieval) is 1020.

Doubling time of 42. hrs.

Not too shabby. I haven't had any spotting for a couple of days (knock on wood)

We're now reaching the time frame where I lost my other pregnancies. So I'm on tenterhooks.

And the verdict is:

Beta HCG today: 468 Today is 11dp3dt (or 14 days post retrieval)

Not too shabby. Will now await Thursdays' numbers....

I was tagged

Guess that means "I'm IT"

here goes:

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was finishing up my General Surgery residency and trying to decide if I was going to do a fellowship. Also trying to figure out how to tell my then husband I didn't want to be married to him anymore

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Enjoying my new Job in Minnesota.

Name 5 Snacks you enjoy
Popcorn
Chips and dip
Nachos and salsa
brownies
cheese

Name 5 things you would do with a million dollars
Pay off bills: Mortgage, cars, student loans primarily. These would allow me to not worry about job stress quite so much.

5 bad habits
hate housework
I will wash and dry clothes, but hate folding and putting them away
I procrastinate, A LOT
buying things we don't really NEED
driving too fast

5 things I like doing
spending time with hubby
playing with the dog
driving too fast
reading blogs
daydream about a new car

5 things I would never wear, buy, or get new again...
elephant leg pants
bikini
hip huggers
high heels
fur coat (never had one, but I'd never get one)

5 favorite toys or games
Munchkin
PS2
catch phrase
toys that we play with the dog
Lord of the Rings

Scare

Ugh, I had a bit of a scare this am. Got up to pee, POAS (yes, again) and it immediately came up positive. EPT this time.

Went to wipe and there was a small amount of brown discharge. Not much, but having had 4 miscarriages in the past, this is how they all started. So, friggin scare the everloving shit out of me.

I've been to pee twice more since then and not really any spotting or anything now.

I am not sure how strong I can be if this is all for naught, KWIM?

Sigh

Yes, I am an addict

But I can stop whenever I want... really. My husband doesn't believe it though.

I'm on stick #3. Yes, I am a POAS addict. It was so bad, that last night I made hubby stop at the 24 hour supermarket to try to buy some, but they are under lock and key. Since I live in a town of about 16K and my picture has been in the paper recently several times (an ad campaign for the hospital), didn't think I should broadcast it, ya know?

Well, like I said, I'm on stick #3 (started Thursday night, then yesterday evening now this am). First one was unequivocally negative. Last nights was, well, there were two lines. Today, there is unquestionably two lines.

Beta is Tuesday. I've got 3 more sticks to use till then. I'll really have to work hard on doing at least one with FMU. LOL

Other than two lines on a HPT, I have no other real symptoms that I can't attribute to the massive amounts of estrogen and progesterone I take daily.

Not sure how I feel right now either. It's very difficult... as many of you know.. to go through several years of IF, miscarriages, invasive treatments and still have feelings of hope at the end.

I'll keep you poasted (oops, posted)

Grrr

Somehow, I apparently changed settings on my blog only allowing those on the "team" to comment. Thank goodness for friends letting me know!

I apologize to anyone who tried to comment, but was unable to.

On the IVF front, there is nothing new to add. No real symptoms going on. I'm taking drugs, having some breast tenderness, but seem to have more tenderness during an unmedicated cycle.

I've had occasional twinges in my pelvis, but nothing that I can pinpoint. I'm still doing well with the caffeine (staying away from it, that is). I've been drinking a lot of water and some fruit juices and some gatorade.

I'll think about POAS maybe this weekend. But I'm scared that if I see a BFN I"ll get crazy. Although there is a part of me deep inside that says that I'm not pregnant.

5dp3dt

And I'm losing it. It is so hard waiting. I think I saw on Cecily's blog that as of 1/13/06 I am PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). That is still a tough thing.

On the positive side, I quit my horrible Diet Peps* and Mounta8n D3w habit. Quit it cold turkey. Didn't have any headaches either, and I usually do get them. I think the Lupron headaches took away my capability of having headaches for a while (maybe not, but that's my story now).

I have this dreaded urge to POAS. It's stupid, I shouldn't do it. I'll make sure I don't buy any of those HPT's.... (yeah, right).

Beta is 6 days away....

SIX

We have six embryos to freeze! Yay :)

Hopefully we won't need them, or will only need them for a sibling, but I can't really think that positively. Six is a good number though.

Today is 2dp3dt. I have 9 more days to go until beta. ARRRRGGGGHHHH.

At least I get to go back to work tomorrow. That'll take my mind off of things... somewhat.

And thank you to everyone for their kind comments. I can't believe I get any comments!

The everpopular 2ww has begun

I'm home.

We transferred 2 beautiful 8 celled embryos. They were both compacting, which is apparently good. Transfer went without any problems.

The valium let me be less stressed on the drive. I drive better than my hubby, he's one of the first to say so. Traffic in the cities sucks, to put it nicely. Our drive which is usually 1hr 45 minutes was a good 2 hours.

On the way home... I just got to sleep, which was nice. Then took a nap for about 2 hours. Now I'm laying on the couch with one of the cats laying on my legs and the dog on the floor next to me. Hubby is on the couch also.

Beta is in 11 days.

Waiting is FUN

Hi everyone. Sorry that this is so late in the day :)

I sat at home all morning waiting for the embryologist to call. Waiting and waiting.... no call. C got home from class and asked "what did they say?" I was like we didn't get a call yet, I bet something bad happened, and they wanted to wait.

So I told him I was going to take a shower (I hadn't even done that for fear of missing the phone)... and he could answer the phone. Gave him instructions what to ask and all that.When I got upstairs, I decided to check and make sure we didn't have any messages. They called at 8:52am Central time. The phone sure as spit never rang. SO I called them back. They had left time for retrieval and stuff.

They got 22 eggs and 17 fertilized!!! They will pick out the best embryos tomorrow and take pictures and all that. I am so excited! We should have a good number to freeze. Yippee! I will take 10 mg of Valium before transfer. I hardly drink and take no medications, so it should hit me like a ton of bricks. Our clinic typically transfers 2.



I'll keep you updated as I lay in my 48hours of bedrest :).

K

Waiting... and waiting

It seems as if when you have problems conceiving, everything is all about the wait (and often the weight, also). One is always waiting for something. You're waiting for your period to end or to begin. You're waiting for the next appointment. Waiting waiting waiting.

Guh.

Now the wait is for tomorrow's phone call. The embryologist is to call and let us know how things are going. We will also find out when to show for transfer (you see, I'm assuming there WILL BE a transfer). Of course there is always the chance that none fertilized or none grew or ....

The drugs are driving me batshit. I tried the other night 4 times to give myself the PIO shot. I've given myself so many shots that I don't know why I just couldn't. But I couldn't. I got shaky and flushed. :( I have given myself IM shots before too. Maybe there is only so many needles one girl can stick herself with, eh?

So we find out tomorrow.

I'll let you know.

Things are progressing.

The donor got her HCG on Sunday. She goes to retrieval tomorrow. I was told she has 11 follicles that look mature. Hoping that we get 11 eggs.

Hubby goes tomorrow also to give his donation.

I had a mini-meltdown tonight. C was at school and I start my PIO shots tonight. I think I have heard way too much about how horrible these are. I was going to give it to myself, but could NOT do it.

I've given myself plenty of shots. Gonal-F, Follistim, Pergonal, Lupron, Lovenox (STINGS). Pergonal is an IM shot. I had to give it to myself a few times during my IVF cycle. HCG - IM. No problem. I think reading about other folks experiences with PIO made me hesitant.

Anyway, we should go to transfer on Friday. I get to take 10mg of valium and drink plenty of fluids so I have a full bladder. Sounds like grand fun, eh?

Insurance and Flex accounts suck

As with many, we have insurance. Also as with many, it does not cover IVF. No problem, I say. I'll put the max in my Flex account this year. That way, it will at least be pre tax dollars and lessen my tax burden. Of course, if you have a flex account, you know that if you don't use it, you lose it. (which I think is BS - IT IS MY MONEY). So...

Here is where I get pissed at my RE's office. They will not provide any itemized bills for the DE IVF cycle. It's a "package". So I send in a copy of my receipt to the FLex people. (hey, 13K is nothing to sneeze at... and that doesn't include the donor payout). I get rejected. Fuckers.

So I have to Appeal. I have to Appeal to get my own money. It's not like I'm making any money on this deal. FUCKERS. you'd think I'm taking dinner off of the flex people's table.

Pisses me off (can you tell).