On our way - to somewhere

Happy eve of New Years Eve everyone. Hope that 2006 brings us all what we're hoping for.

The other day, hubby and I were driving to a friend's house for dinner. I asked him what he thought of our upcoming DE cycle, as we haven't talked about it much other than to decide to do it. His comment was along the lines of "it's almost a shame we have this technology, but it would be nice if we could just get on with it.." Now I didn't take umbrage, but I know some would. In his mind, if we just faced whatever (adoption, life without kids) we would be better off. DE is not a 100% guarantee... unfortunately. He hates to see me hurt, as I do after a failed cycle. I love him for that.

So, got to visit with the wand monkey yesterday. Lining is good, await estrogen levels, but I'm swimming in EWCM, so it should be a nice high number. Donor should be starting stims ... we're on our way.

We call them next Friday to see where the donor is and find out when she gets her HCG. I took the following week off, so hopefully it'll be early in the week.

The Great White North

Or something like that. We moved to Minnesota in March of 2004. Moved in our SUV with 3 cats. Nowhere to stay along the way... so we drove straight through with a stop at a rest area in Ohio (I believe) for a cat nap. Almost 24 hours in the car.

Moved into our house. Cats, hubby and myself getting acclimated. Start talking about trying to get an appointment at a new RE to get started. We do that, and the RE says that we really should think strongly about donor egg. We're not so keen at first. So we wait.

Then in November we say, hey, let's get on the list. Well, it takes around a year to get to the top of the list. YIKES. We sign up.

Just going about life. I'm working and hubby is going back to school. Life is good. Not really keeping good tabs on my cycle... and surprise. April of 2005 I take a HPT because it's been a while since my period.. and it's +!

Get a beta and it's around 200. Repeat goes over 700. Things look good, right? Well I'm not convinced. I have a feeling of dooooom. And in a couple of days, I start spotting. Of course it can be nothing... what do you think? It is definitely something. Beta is now only 900. Start having right sided pains and my OB/GYN thinks I might be having an ectopic. Ultrasound is inconclusive. Go on to beta falling to zero and a miscarriage.

So thank goodness we did not take ourselves off of the list, right? Now just continue to wait. We do finally get a match... it's now October....

Donor then gets a job promotion and we have to put off our cycle for a month.

We are now in the midst of the donor egg cycle. I'll keep you all posted!

Here we go again...

After the last miscarriage, we had to make a move. We were moving from NC to PA. Hubby's family lives in PA, and my family consists of my sister and a niece who live in Florida. We wanted to move closer to family and chose the hubby's as I do NOT want to live in Florida. So off we go....

I haven't mentioned what I do yet, have I? I am a general and vascular surgeon. So we moved to PA and I had a job working in Trenton, NJ. Not the best move for me. The hospital was in a bad area and I worked as if I were back in residency. Now that's not all bad, if you are making reasonable money. But the people I worked with... It didn't seem as if they really wanted me to succeed. So.....

While there, we went to our second RE. She was nice... Some of her office staff leaves a lot to be desired, but nothing is perfect. So, still unexplained IF. Let's do injectables and IUI.

Now many of you know that IF coverage is mandatory in NJ... But hubby is carrying the insurance and his company is in PA. So no coverage for meds . Do have some coverage for ultrasounds and blood work. But at any rate, we go through 3 injectable IUI cycles. No success with any of those. I responded less and less for each one, despite increasing the dose of meds.

Moving on to IVF.

Do one cycle of IVF... get 7 follies, 5 eggs, 4 fertilize and divide, transfer 3 (why didn't we do 4, I don't know)....

No success here either.

Sigh. We are depressed, as you can imagine. Time to take some time off from intervention and besides, my job and my hubby's job are both so crazy that we just don't really have time to do anything. So we're working on another move... new job for me and a new state:

MINNESOTA here we come.

History Part Deux (same ol same ol)

So we left off where finally, get a positive on a home pregnancy test followed by a miscarriage. Well we were quite depressed, as you might imagine. To have the goal seem so close, yet still so far away. But the good news is that we COULD get pregnant... just have to try more.

So, out comes the monitor again and the charting. We can do this, we said. Now I've read up more and have read about luteal phase defects and low progesterone. I had the miscarriage in May... and low and behold, on our first wedding anniversary, another BFP! Now this one has to work, right? How could fate be so cruel as to give me a pregnancy and then take it away.

Fate can and is that cruel, as many of you in blogland know. I had a beta done and it was positive (double digits, but I can't remember the number). Progesterone level (I had to badger to get that done) was low. Started on suppositories, to no avail. Beta numbers did not double. Repeat 2 days, more of the same. Ultrasound, no sac, no evidence of a tubal, but it is likely that this pregnancy was either a tubal or a chemical pregnancy. Spotting/bleeding followed, beta levels to zero.

Next cycle... not starting as it should. On a whim, I take a test.. It is positive. Now, remember that the beta went to ZERO after my miscarriage.... So is it to be???

Nope. More of the same as the last. Low beta, slow rising. This time, had to induce a miscarriage with the drug put up the vagina (can't remember the name). Ugh.

So we're at 3 miscarriages.

More to come, I promise!

A little history on us

I haven't really gone into much detail about C and me. We have been together since September of 1998 and got married in October of 2001. We essentially never used any form of birth control during that time. I am currently 42 and he is 32.

Before we got married, we went through a preliminary workup for IF as we had been having regular sex and no pregnancy ensued. HSG - normal, SA - normal; bloodwork - normal. So, I fell into the unexplained category. I also have regular cycles 24-26 days like clockwork.

After marriage, I started charting and using a fertility monitor. Low and behold, in April of 2002 I got the so rumored unachievable double line! Life is good. Bloodwork obtained (beta only) and was good. Repeated in 2 days, more than doubled, life is great!

Now, knowing this is an IF blog and it is 3 + years later, there is more.

Of course later that day I began spotting. Repeat blood the next day and exam. Beta still increasing as it should, nothing on exam. Stopped spotting. Then later (mother's day weekend) I began bleeding in droves, with the worst cramps I could ever imagine. Of course they not only hurt the body, but the soul. I felt as if I was dying. My husband was supportive and was sad also.

No problem, we can try again, right?

TBC....

Saturday CD#1

I cannot for the life of me think up witty titles for my posts. There are so many in blogland who have such great wit, I, alas am not one of those. I can be very funny in person, but cannot write that way.

Today is CD#1 and day 6 of Lupron. I've been a little crabby the past couple of days, but that is kind of normal for me. I, over the years, have become more and more bitchy around the time of my period. And of course my poor hubby is typically the recipient of my crabbiness.

I will go on Thursday for an ultrasound and estrogen level. For this ultrasound, we want a thin thin lining and low estrogen (to show the lupron is doing it's thing).

I got a comment! I was so psyched. I never thought anyone would take the time to read the mumblings of someone like me.

Hope you bloggers on the East coast are all doing well, especially those in NJ north.

Have they no shame?

Today, we were at Applebees eating a nice lunch when 3 women got seated behind us. Immediately it was all preggo talk. "I just love it when people come up to me and rub my belly" states one proudly. "oh, you're so small and cute" the other says. Puke. I lost all enjoyment in my lunch at that time. We were seated there for about 15 minutes with them behind us and there was nothing but preggo talk. People at work are preggo, people everywhere... everyone thinks I'm so cute preggo. BLECH. Can't you talk about anything else? I thought momentarily about saying "yeah, I've been pregnant 4 times, but had 4 miscarriages" in discussion with hubby.

On the IV treatment front, I took my first dose of Lupron today. That didn't burn or sting or anything. It has such a nice tiny needle. I think the needle for Lovenox is slightly bigger :( Hurts more anyway.

Anyone out there take lupron before for suppression? What kind of symptoms have you had?