trying for just one - and finally succeeding

Life in General is Good

2009-05-30T14:53:00.005-05:00

Things are good here. S continually amazes me. He is 2 years 8 months old. Amazing. My little baby will be 3 in 3 months. Sigh. He is overall good. He does have his moments of freaking out in toddler fashion. But these are not too frequent, thank goodness. He still naps about 1.5-2 hours a day. Mostly he is at daycare during those, but on the weekends it gives us a wee break!

We just got back from a week at Disney World. It was FUN! S enjoyed it and his time with grandparents. He only has one set of grandprents (on Dad's side, my parents are both deceased). They unfortunately live 1200 miles away, so he doesn't get to see them much (or they him).

He loved the little race cars at Magic Kingdom. He loved the "castle", parade. Most things he loved. He didn't like anything too loud.

He's talking an amazing amount. Full sentences.

Here are a few pictures

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Halloween

2008-11-01T11:40:00.004-05:00

Hope that everyone had a Happy Halloween. It was fun here. S took a while, but he finally figured out that people were putting stuff into hisbucket that he might want. We met up with one of the people I work with who has a daughter a couple of months younger than S. So cute! They were playing together in the yard, fun stuff.

S is now 2 (and a month). Growing. Talking. Being a 2 year old, LOL He is fun at this time.

I think this warrants attention

2008-08-05T20:41:00.003-05:00

Apparently this is the republicans trying yet again to stick their noses into the reproductive rights of women in the US:

"If approved by the Department of Health and Human Services, the rule would broaden the definition of abortion to include the most widely used forms of birth control, which can prevent implantation of a fertilized egg.

The existing abortion definition used by the federal government and medical groups is the removal of a fertilized egg that has successfully implanted in the uterine wall, where it would continue to grow. "

I really really hope this doesn't pass.

http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/health/26083324.html?location_refer=$urlTrackSectionName

Oh my

2008-07-25T22:45:00.001-05:00

I am starting to work on adding links to blogs I enjoy reading. So far I have one added because I'm on the computer that doesn't have all my links on it. I guess having a blog for 3 years, I should work on links!

Be patient, I'll have more links up soon, PROMISE!

Happy 4th of July

2008-07-04T10:27:00.001-05:00

Hope that everyone has a safe and happy one!

Too True

2008-07-01T20:40:00.001-05:00

Long time

2008-07-01T12:11:00.002-05:00

It has been a long long time. Do I have an excuse? Nope. Just life in general. That and being deliriously in love with my little man and well, just kept putting things off and putting off until you feel like if you do post, well then, who would still be reading?

We've been busy being busy. Went to PA in May. Visiting family. Took an airplane. With a 20 month old. Ugh. He kept trying to kick the seat in front of him and screeching when I wouldn't let him. DH put his head in his hands as if to say "I'm not part of this". Pissed me off! After the first 45 minutes or so, S fell asleep and that made things much easier.

Packing to travel on a plane with a toddler is a PAIN IN THE ASS. There is way too much stuff needed. Way too much. Even when you are going to a place that has stuff for the child to play with. So we had one large suitcase (weighed in at 49.5 pounds), and 2 smaller one's checked AND the bag with the toddler toys for the plane.

S is doing great. His vocabulary and putting words together is moving at amazing speed right now. He is 21 months old now. He says things like, "no more please" and "TRACTOR!!!!" (he loves tractors), "dat's my car" "kitty eat". Fun stuff :)

I hope that all are doing well..

Thanksgiving

2007-11-25T06:57:00.000-06:00

I have been so remiss. Sigh.

Thanksgiving was great. I cannot believe I have my little one. He is so much fun. He'll squeal when he sees me come home or when Daddy comes home. We took him to a hockey game on Friday, he did great. Fell asleep in the 3rd period, and slept through the yells, screams and booing.

My house is a mess. It seems to be that way no matter what. you know what? I really don't care most of the time. A huge part of the mess is because of my son, and hey, he's worth it!

I hope that everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

Am I angry?

2007-10-22T10:05:00.000-05:00

I read something in the paper today that pissed me off. In todays Star Tribune (out of Minneapolis/St. Paul) they did an article on IVF. The chief medical officer of an insurance company (PreferredOne) made this statement "It's not a life-and-death situation. It's a lifestyle issue".

Lifesyle? Really? I couldn't find their formulary, but I'd bet lots that they cover Viagra, which is totally about lifestyle, eh?

Here is the link to a site that has all the company's contact information. http://www.preferredone.com/contactus.asp

Also, a link to the Star Tribune website article. http://www.startribune.com/infertility/

I am going to write to PreferredOne and let them know what I think of their "lifestyle" comment.

Not a good week

2007-10-17T21:43:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time. I know, I know. Life gets in the way. I seem to take the time to sit and read many blogs and comment on as many as I can, but work and taking care of S gets in the way A LOT!

S is doing GREAT. He is now 1 year old. Amazing. I cannot believe it and every time I look at him I just love him more and more. He is such a little ham and has now started making these crazy grunting noises. He's taking a step or two every now and again.

We didn't have a big birthday party for him, just us and one other friend. We did sing to him and he had cake. Didn't eat much of it, made a face when he tried it, LOL. We're doing it again on Sunday with his Nana and Papa who are coming for a visit.

He is doing well according to our Ped too. In the 89th percentile for height (31 inches) and 19th percentile for weight 20lb 14oz. Meeting his milestones pretty darned good too. We think he says cat (dat) and dog (do) and Dad (da) and Mom (mum mum mum - usually when is needs or wants something). He points and says DAT! when he wants something.

On to the bad stuff. This year has been horrible for the place I work. In July a great friend, physician and S's doctor died of an unexpected heart attack at the age of 52.

Today I find out that a woman who had issues with IF and tried for years to get pregnant. Finally got pregnant with twins and they are about 2.5 months younger than S. Today I hear that her daughter has a brain tumor. How the FUCK is that fair? I don't know any more than that, but I am just grieving for her and hope that it is treatable and that her daughter has a long and wonderful life. I also feel guilt that one of the first things after the shock of hearing it that I felt was "thank god it wasn't S".

I find that anything bad that happens to kids really really REALLY bothers me now. Not that it didn't bother me before, but man does it ever bother me now.

Hope you are all well. I will try to make a post once a week or two.

Holy Shi

2007-08-01T23:00:00.000-05:00

t. This has been an awful week, and now for those of you who haven't heard, a major bridge has collapsed in Minneapolis. I live in Minnesota, but pretty far away from the Twin Cities, but I've driven across that bridge many times.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/08/01/bridge.collapse/index.html

Not Fair or Right

2007-07-29T10:59:00.000-05:00

I have had a shitty week. First of all, I barely saw my son on Monday and Tuesday because work was so busy. Getting home at 7 or 7:30 doesn't leave much time to spend with the little guy.

Friday especially was bad. One of our partners didn't show up for work early that morning. No answer on pager, cell or home phone. He was found dead in his home. He was 53. Great GREAT guy. So unfair. 2 kids, wife of 28 years. So much to live for and he was such an influence in the community.

My son, however, is awesome. Thank goodness.

Hope you all had a better week.

I Would Die For That

2007-07-13T18:44:00.001-05:00

This completely describes how I feel during both the attempts and now with our success. I cried listening to the lyrics, but mostly through looking at the people who were on the video. See the video if you want, I warn you, however, to have a tissue or 200 ready.

The Mother's Day Post

2007-05-14T09:05:00.000-05:00

I never got around to posting anything yesterday. I feel I should post somthing acknowleging that yesterday was MOther's Day. My first one. The first one that I didn't feel like sobbing.

Mother's Day for me for years was just another day. I would give my Mom a card and we would go out to dinner or lunch. Then my Mom died in 1990. From 1990 until 2001 it was a day where I would think of her, but not much more than that. In April of 2002 I found out I was pregnant! Yay. My husband bought me a gift for MOther's Day, one that I could never look at again, as I had my first miscarriage on Mother's Day 2002. From that point until this year, Mother's Day was HELL. I could not even think of it without crying.

This year is different. I have S and he makes it better. Such an incredibly joy to have him. So different.

He is trying his hardest to crawl. What a cutie. He does say Mummummum. I haven't heard any Dadadada. LOL

I wish for all of those who are still on the journey to motherhood to reach it and be able to celebrate Mother's Day soon.

S's 6 month appointment

2007-04-06T11:22:00.000-05:00

He is 6 months old. Amazing. I am utterly amazed every day when I look at him or touch him or am nursing him that I am so lucky. (Run on sentence, anyone?)

He is 27 1/4 inches long (73rd percentile) and 16lb 14oz (32nd percentile). Doing all of the stuff 6 month old babies should be doing. He sits unassisted, transfer objects from one hand to the other. Everything goes into his mouth. He is eating solid foods (if you can call that mush solid!). Loves veggies more than fruits, although he eats everything well.

We'll be branching out more on foodstuffs. It's so much fun :) Soon he'll be walking and I'll be wondering when time has gone. I already wonder that.

We're going to change daycare providers in about a month. I like the people where he is now, but jsut don't think it's the "right" place for him. The place we're looking at just moved into new digs. They are awesome! They also do some baby signs, which is cool. I need to get a book on that and start looking at them. How do you tell the current providers you're changing? I hate stuff like that! He always seems happy when he's there, happy to be there and happy when he comes home.

Sigh.

Films I've seen - 85

2007-04-01T19:58:00.000-05:00

SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 85 films, you have no life Mark the ones you've seen. There are 239 films on this list. Copy this list, go to your own blog, paste this. Then, put x's next to the films you've seen, add them up, change the header adding your number, and click post at the bottom. Have fun!

(Who says over 85 films viewed = no life? I don't know, just copied and pasted this meme!) Besides that, I guess I haven't seen as many as I thought (just the one's on this list) Hopefully I didn't miscount!

(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
( ) Boondock Saints
() Fight Club
() Starsky and Hutch
() Neverending Story
(x) Blazing Saddles
(x) Airplane

Total: 6

(X) The Princess Bride
() AnchorMan
() Napoleon Dynamite
() Labyrinth
() Saw
( ) Saw II
() White Noise
() White Oleander
() Anger Management
() 50 First Dates
() The Princess Diaries
() The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement

Total so far:7

() Scream
() Scream 2
() Scream 3
() Scary Movie
() Scary Movie 2
() Scary Movie 3
() Scary Movie 4
(x) American Pie
(x) American Pie 2
() American Wedding
() American Pie Band Camp

Total so far: 9

(x) Harry Potter 1
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Harry Potter 4
() Resident Evil 1
() Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
(x) The Village
() Lilo & Stitch

Total so far: 15

(x) Finding Nemo
() Finding Neverland
(x) Signs
() The Grinch
() Texas Chainsaw Massacre
() Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
() White Chicks
() Butterfly Effect
() 13 Going on 30
() I, Robot
(x) Robots

Total so far: 18

(x) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
() Universal Soldier
(x) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
() Along Came Polly
(x) Deep Impact
() KingPin
() Never Been Kissed
() Meet The Parents
() Meet the Fockers
() Eight Crazy Nights
() Joe Dirt
(x) KING KONG

Total so far: 22

() A Cinderella Story
(x) The Terminal
() The Lizzie McGuire Movie
() Passport to Paris
() Dumb & Dumber
() Dumber & Dumberer
(x) Final Destination
() Final Destination 2
() Final Destination 3
(x) Halloween
() The Ring
(x) The Ring 2
() Surviving X-MAS
() Flubber

Total so far: 25

() Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(x) Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
() Ghost Ship
() From Hell
(x) Hellboy
() Secret Window
() I Am Sam
() The Whole Nine Yards
() The Whole Ten Yards

Total so far: 28

(x) The Day After Tomorrow
(x) Child's Play
() Seed of Chucky
() Bride of Chucky
() Ten Things I Hate About You
() Just Married
() Gothika
(X) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles
(x) Remember the Titans
() Coach Carter
() The Grudge
() The Grudge 2
() The Mask
( ) Son Of The Mask
Total so far: 33

() Bad Boys
() Bad Boys 2
() Joy Ride
() Lucky Number Seven
() Ocean's Eleven
() Ocean's Twelve
(x) Bourne Identity
(x) Bourne Supremecy
( ) Lone Star
(x) Bedazzled
(x) Predator I
() Predator II
( ) The Fog
(x) Ice Age
() Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
() Curious George

Total so far: 38

(X) Independence Day
(x) Cujo
() A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
() Christine
(x) ET
() Children of the Corn
() My Bosses Daughter
() Maid in Manhattan
(x) War of the Worlds
(x) Rush Hour
(x) Rush Hour 2

Total so far: 44

( ) Best Bet
() How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
() She's All That
() Calendar Girls
() Sideways
() Mars Attacks
() Event Horizon
() Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
(x) Big Trouble in Little China
(X) The Terminator
(x) The Terminator 2
(x) The Terminator 3

Total so far: 50

(x) X-Men
(x) X-2
(x) X3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
(x) Sky High
() Jeepers Creepers
() Jeepers Creepers 2
() Catch Me If You Can
() The Little Mermaid
() Freaky Friday
() Reign of Fire
() The Skulls
() Cruel Intentions
() Cruel Intentions 2
() The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2

Total so far: 58

() Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street
() Old School
() The Notebook
() K-Pax
() Krippendorf's Tribe
() A Walk to Remember
() Ice Castles
() Boogeyman
() The 40-year-old Virgin

Total so far: 59

(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Total so far: 65

() Baseketball
() Hostel
() Waiting for Guffman
() House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
() Elf
() Highlander
() Mothman Prophecies
() American History X
( ) Three

Total so Far: 65

() The Jacket
() Kung Fu Hustle
() Shaolin Soccer
() Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(x) Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard

Total so far: 69

() High Tension
() Club Dread
() Hulk
(x) Dawn Of the Dead
() Hook
(X) Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
() 28 days later
() Orgazmo
() Phantasm
() Waterworld

Total so far: 71

(x) Kill Bill vol 1
(x) Kill Bill vol 2
() Mortal Kombat
() Wolf Creek
(x) Kingdom of Heaven
() the Hills Have Eyes
() I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
() The Last House on the Left
() Re-Animator
(x) Army of Darkness

Total so far: 75

(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
() Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
() Ewoks The Battle For Endor

Total so far: 81

(x) The Matrix
(x) The Matrix Reloaded
(x) The Matrix Revolutions
() Animatrix
() Evil Dead
() Evil Dead 2
() Team America: World Police
() Red Dragon
(x) Silence of the Lambs
() Hannibal

Funny, I think that equals 85. So officially, I have no life. LOL

No time, no time

2007-03-16T22:00:00.000-05:00

Good grief. It is hard working full time and taking care of an infant. Very hard. I feel like I have no time for me whatsoever. I'm either at work, or taking care of S or cleaning house. Little time available for other things like, oh, reading, blogging, etc.

There is good news happening. Liana at http:// http:// Liana > has been matched with a birth mother! It is so exciting and I can't wait for them to meet. It sounds like a great match. I am wishing them lots and lots of luck.

S is doing great. He is 5.5 months old now and just wonderful 99.6% of the time. The other 0.4% he spends trying to make sure I never sleep. Some nights he is wonderful and other nights he is up 2-3 times. I cannot predict what nights are what either.

Leaving you all with a picture:

Made the switch

2007-02-25T17:41:00.000-06:00

To the new Blogger. Hope it wasn't a mistake, but time will tell.

I Don't have a lot to say today. It is snowing, again. We had about 6-8 inches last night (a paltry amount compared to others) and supposed to get another 1-2 tonight. We'll see.

I have a little video of the S man. Cutiepie that he is.

Hope everyone is well.

Where oh where have I been?

2007-02-07T09:48:00.000-06:00

You might ask that. I've been too damn busy, is where I've been. Having a four month old and working full time, including call every other week, is HARD. But worth it.

S is now 4 months old! Amazing. He's just amazing. I will say, though, that I wish he were still sleepin through the night. He had been doing that up until about 1-2 weeks ago. He now wakes up once or twice a night and doesn't go back to sleep on his own. I either have to breastfeed or just hold him and he goes back to sleep rather quickly. Sigh. Any advice on that?

We're thinking of getting a m*nivan. Yes... I want a Hond@ Ody&&ey. They are SOOOO nice. We're also thinking of looking at the P*lot.

I had a brief scare the other week. I am mostly breastfeeding, but we do use formula for about 20-30% of his feedings. I had realized that I hadn't had a per*od since I had S. No worries, though. She showed up a day later (of course I had already bought a HPT and used one!).

I will make an attempt to be more faithful about blogging, but all I seem to be able to talk about is S.

Sigh

Time flies

2006-12-15T11:27:00.000-06:00

I'm back to work. Only part time, but it still sucks. It's not tooooo bad as C watching S while I'm working, but still, I hate it pretty much.

S is doing great. AT his 2 month visit he went from 6lb11oz at birth to 12lb 12oz and 19.5 inches long to 23 inches long. He's in and has been in 3 month clothes and will be out of those soon.

He's so much fun. Smiles and talks and just is a joy. He is sleeping pretty much through the night most nights. He goes to bed around 10 and gets up at 7 or 7:30. What a great baby.

He will start daycare in January. I hope that it is not too traumatic for me (or him). Hubby is sad too.

I have done nothing for Christmas yet. Nothing. Ugh. I'll have to get some shopping done this weekend I guess. I HATE shopping on the weekends around Christmastime. I hate the crowds and the hustle and bustle. I do want to try to get S to Santa though.

Speaking of S... here's a picture or two:

Ugh

2006-11-18T12:46:00.000-06:00

Yesterday sucked. Nothing to do with S and everything to do with me. I had either a virus or food poisoning. Nausea, abdominal pain and cramping and the world's worst diarrhea.. ugh. Woke up and felt kind of bad but as the day progressed, it got worse and worse. I slept most of the day, waking up only to feed the little guy. C had to give him a bottle twice.

When I would walk, I felt light headed. Thought I was going to pass out a couple of times. Feel much better today. I have no idea what I would have done if C weren't here. I guess I would have had to call neighbors for help.

As far as the family thing goes, I've tried calling my niece several times, with no one answering teh phone. She's called back a couple of times, when we weren't home.

I'm trying again this weekend. However, I think this is mostly a drama by her mother more than an actual problem.

Quandry

2006-10-27T08:33:00.000-05:00

I haven't spoken much about my family on here. Mainly because there isn't a lot to say. My parents are both deceased, my Dad in Dec of 1999 and my Mom in Dec of 2000. I do have a sister, but we are not in contact with each other much. She lives in Florida and has a daughter, who is now 15.

The last time I saw my sister and niece was at my wedding in 2001. I have talked to them a few times, but that's about it. I don't have a way to call them, because I don't have their phone number. My sister is way way different than me. She is now 38.

Anyway, last night around 9 or so the phone rings and it's my sister. She's obviously quite drunk. I haven't talked to her in probably 2 years. So she is rambling on and on about how my niece is living wiht her dad and that her dad apparently got mad at her for getting a D on her report card (rightfully so IMO).

The long and short of it, is this. My sister cannot have her daughter living with her because she (sister) has a drug issue. She proposes that I get custody of her daughter.

This is something that I had wished for several years ago, when my niece was younger and hadn't been subjected to the things she has been subjected to. Now? With a newborn?

Sigh. I feel like the world's worst aunt, but I really don't think I want this. Not to mention, is there a court who would give custody to a 15 year old to her aunt who lives nearly 2000 miles away? Especially when there is a father and grandparents who would take her?

Just sounds like trouble to me.

What do you all think??

4 weeks

2006-10-25T10:35:00.000-05:00

Today S is 4 weeks old. Amazing. The time has both flown by and dragged. My maternity leave is half over already.

S is growing so big, so fast. He's over 8 pounds now, up from 6lb 11.5 at birth. He's starting to fill in some of his clothes, finally. Although I'm afraid that he's not going to be fitting into many clothes for very long.

I'm sorry this post is all baby all the time. But it is what my life is right now. All baby all the time.

This is a picture of S and his daddy. Aren't they cute together?

Hard

2006-10-18T11:06:00.000-05:00

Doesn't begin to describe it. It is hard, really really hard. I thought I was prepared for it, but I guess I'm not. It's getting better, though. Is it worth it?

You be the judge:

It is so worth it. He's become my world and I his. Hubby is entraced as well.

Birth Story

2006-10-04T14:33:00.000-05:00

Well, here is the long awaited birth story.

Went into the hospital on 9/26 at about 8pm for induction. I was still completely closed but about 80% effaced. Had cytotec placed every 4 hours, for 3 doses. After the 3rd dose, I was dilated about 1.5 cm and my OB broke my water.

I had been having contractions all night, not bad, but progressively getting stronger. After he broke my water, the contractions got stronger. Around 10:30 or so I felt I needed something. Still not significantly dilated (pitocin was started around 9).

So, we first went with demerol and phenergan. Ugh. Mostly all it did was make me sleepy. I would fall asleep between contractions and when they hit, WHAM. Got an intrathecal (that is fentanyl and morphine given as a spinal). It worked for about 2 hours (now it's around 1:30 or so. The contractions were still there and I was then about 5cm dilated.

Called the anesthetist back and he placed a second intrathecal around 2:15 or so. Did not help a bit. Contractions were strong! I wasn't sure I was going to be able to take it. Finally around 3 or so I told C to go get the nurses because I had to PUSH. They came in and I was completely dilated.

Started pushing shortly after the OB checked me and pushed for a bit over an hour. S began having decelerations near the end, so they placed a vacuum, but I was able to push him out at 4:47 pm.

I was surprised I was able to do as well as I did, to be honest. My OB (who is a friend of mine) told me later that he was sure I was going to need a c-section. Luckily I proved him wrong.

Introducing

2006-09-30T11:50:00.000-05:00

I am home from the hospital. S is also. He's doing great. He was born at 4:47 pm 9/27. He was 6lb 11.5 ounces and 19.5 inches long.

I'm in love.

I'll post more later.

38w1d

2006-09-20T09:20:00.000-05:00

Yep, that's me. Stranger things have happened, but I am now 7 days away from meeting this guy. Induction on 9/27. Wow. Still so much to do at home and no energy to do it. Sigh.

Ultrasound on Monday was good. He's still measuring right on dates via ultrasound. Weight about 6lb 13 oz, not too big, not too small :)! Makes me feel good that I've been doing well on my "GD" diet. UGH! Gives me hope for a vaginal delivery. Also had normal amount of amniotic fluid present, which made me happy. He was rubbing his eyes, so cute. I'm getting more and more excited about meeting him.

Maternity leave is all set with work. I'm taking the 6 weeks allowed (with benefits paid) then taking 2 weeks of vacation. That way I don't have to pay any of my benefits, which for 2 weeks would have been almost 1000.00. Medical malpractice insurance is expensive!

Birthday was good. Birthday dinner was awesome.

Wish there was a sushi restaurant in this town, I'd have sushi for dinner on 9/27 if so. Sigh.

Happy 43rd Birthday

2006-09-17T13:42:00.000-05:00

To me. Yep, I turn 43 today. YIKES! What am I thinking having a baby at this age? I'm thinking I'll make a good mother, but sheesh, I'll be 61 or so when this child graduates from high school. Not ancient, but pretty darned old. On the other hand, there are lots of older mothers out there these days.

Since I have GD, no cake for me :( Got a beautiful card from DH with a spa gift certificate :) Hopefully I can do the Mother to be package before I am a mother :)

Speaking of that, had my 37 week appointment last Thursday. I am now measuring behind :(. I am getting an ultrasound tomorrow to look at the amount of amniotic fluid and measuring the kid. OB thinks that the baby has just dropped, but wants to be sure. Wish me luck.

Hope you all have had a good weekend.

Another preggy post

2006-09-10T08:38:00.000-05:00

Seems like all I talk about is this pregnancy. It is hard to not talk about anything else when it is foremost in my mine, ya know? I still have feelings of guilt regarding those who are not on the same journey as I am.

I am now 36w5d. Amazing. Saw my OB on Thursday and everything is good so far. My leg that had the DVT (blood clot) in it last August (2005) swells terribly compared to the other leg, but not too bad. Baby is measuring good. I go twice a week for NST's (which is fun but a pain too). Start my weekly OB visits too.

On exam my cervix is closed and firm. He's not overly happy with that, as he wants to induce me on the 27th. The reason? I'm on lovenox (a blood thinner) which would prevent me from getting an epidural or spinal if I needed/wanted it. SO I need to come off of it for 48 hours prior to laboring, but given the fact I had a blood clot we don't want me to be off of it for much longer than that.

I cannot believe that in 17 days I should be holding this baby!

Hope you are all doing great.

35 weeks

2006-08-29T20:41:00.000-05:00

That's me today. Wow. Time is flying by, for sure. FLYING by.

Going to NST's twice a week. The good part about that is I get to lay down for 30-45 minutes.. YAY. LOL. It's also kind of fun to hear him moving around on the doppler that's place on you for that entire time. He still can move and I don't really feel him, weird.

Last ultrasound (last Thursday) showed him to be about 4lb 10 oz. He's growing just fine, thank you very much. He also measured right on for his size/due date.

I am SOOOO tired of people saying "you are so small". Grrrr. Everything you can objectively measure me by is right exactly on dates. I keep getting the implication with the "you're so small" comments that "you're not gaining enough to sustain that other life"". I know that most are not saying that, but that is how I feel at times. Yet another thing I'll put on my list of things not to say to people.

Near us, about 8-10 miles away, last Thursday were tornadoes. They estimate one of them to have been about 1/2 mile wide. A friend of mine was watching it (yeah, I know, she should have been in her basement) and saw 4 smaller ones sprout from the large one. One person died, many lost their houses.

There was also a dairy farmer who lost about 200 head of cattle when his 4 barns were destroyed. I heard that it was like a war zone where those poor cows were :(

Our new weather radio, however, works GREAT! It gave us the heads up on the tornado warning (where we live, we would never hear the sirens in town).

Another day, another NST (mostly pg related post)

2006-08-17T18:55:00.000-05:00

I am currently 33w2d. Amazing. I can't believe that we're this far along. Finally hubby got the baby's room painted, and most of the border put up. We're doing a Classic Pooh theme (mostly, we'll also have some Disney Pooh hanging). We won't have the crib up until his parents get here in October, because they are bringing it from PA.

I go now for twice weekly NST's. So far, this guy has been great. Doing what he is supposed to do :). Had an ultrasound today, he weighs about 4lbs 10oz. IN the 40th percentile and measures right on with all the measurements. I'm very happy

I'm still working. I plan to work until I deliver, hopefully. Although I find myself exhausted at the end of the day. Sigh. OF course it doesn't really help that I'm busier than I've ever been. Last Friday I worked from 7:30am until midnight. Guess people continue to get ill and SOMEONE has to take care of them. Heh.

Don't have much more to say right now. I'll try to be better with posting, but not going to bank on it.

GD

2006-07-22T16:39:00.000-05:00

That's what I've got. Stinks.

I'm 29w4d today. Had my 28 week checkup last week and along with that was my GTT test. For those of you who have not taken it, it is drinking this icky sweet stuff, then waiting one hour to get stuck. I failed. Normal is up to 140, mine was 181. My OB said that I could either take the 3 hour or be treated as GD. In his experience, if you fail the 1 hour that badly, you tend to fail the 3 hour.

Now with my job it is very difficult to take a 3 hour segment of time in the early morning to get stuck, drink sweet liquid, sit around for 3 hours and get stuck once each hour (without eating or drinking anything during that time). So I opted to be treated as GD.

Now I've only gained like 8 pounds this pregnancy so far. Which I feel weird about, but the OB has not been worried about. Much of that weigh gain came in the face of pastas, milkshakes, etc. None of which I can have :( Even with giving all that up, my fasting (morning) sugars have been higher than what they want to see. My 1 hour after eating numbers have been "close" but many have been a little over. So I think he was right :(

The scary part is it puts me a higher risk of developing diabetes in the future :(. Guess this is my impetus to lose weight after this baby is born.

On other fronts... Last week was hotter than a, well, hot. I live in Minnesota. Last weekend, temps were close to and in some parts, over 100 degrees. Talk about hot!

We did, however, go to the big baby store and register. We've also registered at Tar&et. Amazing what this baby needs, eh? It was fun though :)

Update

2006-07-14T14:00:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been hot around here. It's not supposed to be this hot in Minnesota, is it? This weekend we're looking at 95+ temps and heat index of over 100. Yippee.

We also haven't had much rain around here. Did get a storm last night, but we sure need rain. I know the farmers are wanting some good soaking rains. Hubby was outside with the dog and came in and said, our grass is crunchy. Not normal!

Update on PG stuff:

Had my 28 week appointment yesterday. Everything looks good. I measure right on target. Have gained a whopping 8 pounds during this pregnancy. OB is happy with that so far. Cervix is long and closed and firm, he's happy about that too (as am I, of course)

Had my GTT today (1 hour) and failed :( 186 was my result, they like it under 140. My OB told me that in his experience if your 1 hr is that high, you tend to fail the 3 hour. So I get to see the NP and get started on a GD diet. Also, since being on lovenox (a blood thinner) shots since last August isn't enough, I'll get to do fingerstick blood sugars too. yippee.

All in all though, things are still going well. This little guy is a mover, that's for sure!

Assorted stuff

2006-06-22T14:31:00.000-05:00

We have returned. The road trip was over 3K miles, but a lot of fun. I drove most of it as I love to drive and hubby can do other things in the car, like read. I cannot read in an auto. It makes me ill, ugh.

We managed to get through Chicago without much hassle, which is always a plus (on the way out that is). We did go to Game 1 of the Stanley Cup finals - awesome game, awesome time. So HAPPY the Hurricanes are the 2006 Stanley CUp Champions!

The friend's wedding we went to was great. The reception was ok. They had given the DJ a list of over 80 songs to play (IN 3 HOURS) what were they nuts? There was a huge thunderstorm which took out the power for a short while. Fun stuff :)

We then went to Hubby's parents where we stayed for 5 nights. His sister gave us gobs and gobs of stuff. Car seats, strollers, clothes, toys, LOTS. They also had a surprise baby shower while we were there, which was neat.

On the way back home, we stopped in my hometown and ate at my favorite restaurant. Luigi's. It's in Akron, OH and if you get the chance to go, go. YUM.

The trip back home was ok... just took over 2 hours to get through Chicago that time. BLECH.

PG ment:

Had my 25 week appointment today. Everything so far is doing well. I have been having a trace amount of edema, but OB not too worried about it at this point. Next visit will be with the 1hr GTT. Fun. I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Wednesday morning at 7:30.

Been feeling the munchkin move a lot. Some of the kicks are almost painful - it's the one's where it feels like he's rocking on my cervix. Yeesh.

Hope everyone is doing great!

Hot hot hot

2006-05-28T22:02:00.000-05:00

Baby, it's hot outside. I live in Minnesota... it was 95 degrees today - in May! My goodness! Even our dog didn't want to go outside, and she loves it outside.

Not much else new. We're going on a big road trip starting next Saturday. Leaving to go to NC. Our friend is getting married. We're then going to go to PA to visit hubby's parents.

Should be fun. We have a new Civic Hybrid which gets great gas mileage (over 50mpg), but we're going to take our truck. Just can't picture me getting in and out of the Hybrid at 23/24 weeks pg. Not only that, the seats are not that comfortable on long trips, ouchie butt!

Besides that, I love my truck. It too, is a Honda. It's a Ridgeline, and even though it may look funny, it drives so like a car and rides great. None of that "bouncy" stuff that you feel in most trucks. It also has XM radio which will be key, since the Stanley Cup playoffs will be going on and we love us some hockey.

We're hoping that the Carolina Hurricanes get to the Cup finals - and we'll try our best to go to a game while we are there.

bad bad blogger

2006-05-21T17:53:00.000-05:00

What is new with me? Not much. Just watching time fly. I cannot believe it's been 2 weeks since I posted something. Bad me.

We went to Florida last week (Wednesday to Monday). Orlando. Hubby was in a "competition" for school and I tagged along. It was nice to be the one laying in bed for a change as he had to get up and go early :D. He was in 3 competitions, got called on stage for all three, and placed 3rd in the one. Not too bad :)

My problem was my back. It started hurting Thursday morning :(. I've had back problems before and this was my normal back pain. OUCH. IT did get better before we left, but I didn't do much. But that was ok too. It was nice to be lazy!

I am currently 20w5d today. We had our "big" ultrasound last week. Everything measured right on to our due date (had the ultrasound on 20w2d and we measured at 20w2d!). Weight was 12 ounces (said that was 51st percentile). So we're dead on :)

BTW - it's a BOY! We're both happy with that.

I still think I just look fat. I don't look pregnant to me, but hubby thinks I look pregnant. I am wearing mostly maternity clothes, but can still wear some of my regular pants (2 pair).

So far, so good. We're moving close to that "viability" stage. Maybe, just maybe, we're going to get a real live baby out of this.

Monday - again

2006-05-08T11:07:00.000-05:00

I have been the quiet one. Things here are going along fine... So far. I am working hard on enjoying this pregnancy, but I have to say it is difficult. It seems unfair to me that I have to WORK to enjoy my pregnancy, yet the majority get to just enjoy.

We did some yard work yesterday. Hubby HATES yard work... now let me tell you he KNEW that there would be a lot of yard work when we bought a house with nearly 12 acres, 6 of which need mowed and tended to. Men! I sat on the riding mower yesterday and got a wee bit burned, but not bad. It wasn't really hot out and yes, I was drinking my water :)

We're going to Florida on Wednesday. Hubby won some competition in school, and now is competing in the nationals. So he gets his trip paid for, and I only have to pay for mine :) I'll get to see him a bunch too, which will be nice.

Pregnancy talk:

I am 18w6d today. Amazing.

Had an ultrasound last week to check on my cervix. It is nice and long and closed. 4.3 cm long to be exact. Got the tech to look at the baby too. It was fun watching him move around :). Also looked to see if we could tell, and the "him" in the prior sentence is most likely correct! I'm pretty psyched, as hubby is the only boy in his family (he has 3 sisters, 4 cousins and 3 nieces - all girls). He is psyched too. We've been talking about names.

Had my quad screening done too. Still waiting for those results. We'll then get either a level II ultrasound or a regular anatomic survey, depending on the results. If we get the Level II, we have to go to the cities, which makes it a little more difficult to do, but not impossible :)

Hope you are all doing well.

Weird Dreams

2006-04-23T14:45:00.000-05:00

Ugh. I hate my dreams. I always have weird dreams. Often I wake up and want to tell hubby about the dream, but it makes no sense, even if it made perfect sense prior to trying to tell.

Most recently I've had dreams about childbirth. Two of them. Both times I'm having the baby somewhere weird... like in a mall or in a restaurant. Each time it seemed rather "easy" strangely enough. Now I'm a great chicken. I'm awaiting to hear if our hospital is going to have epidurals prior to my giving birth.

Now, we have a very small hospital where we live. If there is any chance there will be any problems with the baby, then we'll go to the big city for birth. (or problems with me for that matter).

My dream last night was weird. I had a friend who had just gotten pregnant, and was showing me her pee stick. This was such a neat pee stick though... it gave you hcg numbers and also told you if you had a bladder infection (and some other things too). I had to take one to see what mine showed, and my hcg was quite high, and had no infection

Weird stuff!

Next visit is Wednesday. I'll be 17w1d then. YIKES.

Happy Easter

2006-04-16T19:03:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to think of something to write about, but can think of nothing. I am quite the bore.

I have days where I think "wow", this is happening. I am 15w5d today. This is the first holiday ever that I've been pregnant.

We had some friends over for Easter dinner. I decided I wanted to make devilled eggs. I am a reasonably good cook, but damn, boiling eggs became an ordeal. Took two tries @@. But the eggs did turn out good in the end.

Hope that everyone had a good, or at least tolerable, Easter.

Update

2006-04-07T20:24:00.000-05:00

Had my appointment yesterday. Got there at 2:50 for a 3:00 appointment. The lady at check-in says "you were supposed to be here at 2:30 for a lab appointment". Well, I failed mindreading 101, so didn't make it. They told the OB's nurses that I would be late (not really a huge deal as we -OB and I- are friends).

So had to get on that scale thing. I have LOST 5 pounds. Now I've had no true m/s, but can't always eat very much. OB not too upset, as I did start out a bit overweight. (Even given the fact I"ve lost weight, my clothes still don't fit).

Nothing much new on exam. BP good. Heart the HB again... that is the sweetest sound.

So far, so good.

2006-04-05T11:32:00.000-05:00

Wow, time slips by. I've been somewhat remiss here.

Work has been quite busy. Then I've just been so tired when I get home. I've been reading blogs and there has been some sadness in the blog world. Julianne and Statia with their neg IVF cycles. Another loss at about 14 weeks.

Should I say I'm scared out of my mind right now? I'm at 14w1d. Scared spitless. Maybe I should invest in a doppler, but I can use one at work when I get the chance. But I would most likely be more comfortable at home.

Hubby has taken to putting his hands on my belly and saying "we've got a baby in there". How sweet is that? He is so good with kids. I've seen him with his niece and he is so patient with her.

I find myself having those damnned DBT's daily again. Why? I've been trying to listen to what Liana had to say. What she says makes so much sense. I should be rejoicing in each day of my pregnancy instead of worrying. It's just not happening for me yet. And that makes me sad.

The belly is still bruised from the daily injections of Lovenox. On the plus side, we've met my deductable on the HSA so the 2K worth of lovenox was mine for nothing. :)

Next appointment is tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Why is it SIL's are similar?

2006-03-24T11:53:00.000-06:00

I was reading Barefoot and... blog the other day and she was talking about her SIL and how she seems to have no tact or regards for her feelings. In reading the comments, there were many SIL's who were similiar. Mine also.

In May of 2002, I had my first (possibly second) miscarriage. Hubby and I told no one about that pregnancy, because we were scared, rightfully so. But we were so happy too. I haven't been truly happy about a pregnancy yet, due to the miscarriage history.

In October, on our first wedding anniversary, we were pregnant again. this time hubby wanted to tell his family, so we did. He called his mom who was ecstatic for us. She then said, you have to call ****, and tell her. When we did, she told us that she, too, was pregnant. Yay for us.

The history goes, yes, that I had another miscarriage. SIL did not and went on to have a beautiful baby daughter in June of 2003. In the meantime, I had 2 more miscarriages (we had told his mom, but no one else).

Christmas Eve of 2003 when our niece was 6 months old, **** says to us "****** and I have news. We're expecting again! We are not sure of the due date or anything, kind of an "oops" baby." My response was "congratulations" and to go into the other room and try my damndest to not bawl. MIL realized I was upset and came in to try to console me (Hubby was there too). SIL said nothing, really.

Of course, we had to act happy at any mention of SIL pregnancy. Why is that? Why is it that those who have IF issues have to always be the ones who are careful of others feelings, not the other way around?

I haven't been blogging much lately because of these issues. I feel badly about those who either are going through their IVF cycles, IUIs, or who have had a loss. It makes it difficult as others have said before me.

From my perspective, I have not completely embraced the fact that I am pregnant. And that I am 12 weeks pregnant.

Have a great weekend all.

It's a Beautiful Day

2006-03-18T08:24:00.000-06:00

Don't let it slip away.

Today I am 11w4d. Had my first OB visit on Thursday, which went swimmingly. I have gained one pound since my last visit there (which was in October). I don't really think I lost weight before transfer, so probably have gained about one pound. Although to look at my waist, you'd think I've gained much more. I think I'm going to have to bite the bullet and buy some maternity clothes soon. Scary, for me anyway.

We got to hear the heartbeat at this visit! I was so scared we wouldn't. The OB said, you are at the borderline, we may or may not hear it. SO when we did, I was quite happy. Scared at the same time, because somehow it makes it all a little more real.

Last weekend the weather was beautiful. Almost 50... which is pretty good for Minnesota in March. Then Monday we got about 8 inches of snow, followed by another 3 or so on Thursday. Brrrr. But today is warming up again. Crazy weather, I'd say!

2006-03-11T16:59:00.000-06:00

Bad bad me. I haven't had much to say, or at least much that I could say.

I am 10w4d today. Hard for me to believe. Clothes are starting to be a little tight, so I went to Motherhood Maternity. Just could NOT bring myself to buy a damn thing. First off, I felt like an imposter. Secondly, I am afraid of the jinx. That if I buy *gasp* maternity clothes, I will somehow manage to piss off someone, somewhere and jinx things. Stupid, I know, but hey, who said I was rational here?

We took a few days and are in Duluth this weekend. We've been driving around and viewing the sights. This part of Minnesota is different than the rest in that it is nearly hilly! Very pretty too, I might add. I could come here for vacations in the summer too :) I don't go back to work until Tuesday! Woohoo :)

Not much else to report. I've been slightly nauseated, especially if I don't eat as soon as I feel hungry. Wanting to have sex with hubby, but afraid to. We indulged Thursday morning and that night I had a slight amount of spotting. Not much, but just a tad.

It is really nice to not be on the PIO. I wish I didn't have to take the Lovenox, but I do and so I will. I hate the bruising though :(

I feel so badly for Liana... she lost her baby this past week. I wish there was something I could do, but I know there isn't. I can't even leave a comment (probably because of the internet connection I'm using), but I am thinking of her and wishing her healing.

Nothing much to say

2006-03-01T21:03:00.000-06:00

Just thought I'd write a little. There is nothing much new here. Spot has gone away for now, and I'm hoping it stays away. My hubby is out of town for a few days and I sure do miss him :( Especially at night. He's a great snuggler. Natalie, our dog, misses him more than I do, I think. She keeps running to the door to see if he's here. (BLOGGER STILL DOESN"T LET ME USE THE RETURN< WHY???)......................................... I still don't really FEEL pregnant. My OB appointment is the 16th, not sure I can wait that long! I'd like to thank everyone for their support, it has been wonderful.

Ultrasound update

2006-02-24T11:07:00.000-06:00

We went to the RE's yesterday for our follow up visit. Of course it involved the dildocam/cootercam or whatever term you prefer.

We saw that BabyA had grown since we saw him/her on Monday. HB still strong. Just a little alien peanut there.

Baby B appeared to not have a hb at this time. So I think we can safely assume that there is only the possibility for one. I am sad, yet relieved that so far BabyA is still truckin' along without a problem.

The RE said that this is what they call a vanishing twin. There is typically not a lot of miscarriage like bleeding, that the growing baby kind of pushes the other baby out of the way until there is no more room.

I'm sure my OB will continue to check me with ultrasounds fairly frequently to make sure that there is no problems with BabyA.

The RE has released me from his care. I am to stop the progesterone on Tuesday (Monday being the last dose) and stop the estrogen also. Kind of freaky to just stop it cold turkey, but they do this all the time and have no problems.

I am currently 8w3d (they stop the meds at 9 weeks).

Oh, yeah, I'm spotting again >:(

Selling ports and other tidbits

2006-02-21T10:17:00.000-06:00

Going all political.

Did anyone read about the sale of 6 major US ports to the United Arab Emirates that was OK'd by the current administration? This is the administration that feels it is ok, nay, it is their RIGHT to bug/listen in on phone conversations in the name of stopping terrorism.

Does anyone remember where many of the terrorist came from that ran the planes into the Twin Towers? Does anyone remember where much of the funding for said terrorist reportedly came from?

Yes, the UAE.

Is anyone scared? I am.

Seems the govenors of the states involved are concerned as well.

It seems the height of ridiculousness to me to kind of hand over the reigns of 6 majors US ports to the potential ENEMY.

Update - again

2006-02-20T15:49:00.000-06:00

Well I am back. I took today off of work. Now home from my ultrasound. It appears that Baby A is still doing great with good development and good heartbeat (150's). However, Baby B looks smaller than s/he did on Thursday and my bleeding is probably coming from there. As to that, it has slowed down, but is still there. Mostly brownish, but still scary. Blogger still won't let me hit return or anything, which is dumb! I'm taking it easy the rest of today and will probably go back to work tomorrow. Thank you everyone for helping to keep me sane.

Scared

2006-02-19T22:04:00.000-06:00

Well, the fear that we all have when newly pregnant (especially those who have had multiple m/c) is happening. I was doing fine, we had company for dinner and when I got up to go to the bathroom, I felt "something".
I'm having some bleeding. Not a huge amount, but enough (too much). It is more than spotting, but I'm not hemorrhaging.
I talked to my OB, he thinks it is probably the smaller sac/embryo. From things I've read, that makes sense. However, it is freaking me out. I'm taking tomorrow off of work and getting an ultrasound. I don't see a big reason to get one tonight as there really isn't anything to do anyway :(
Now to try to rest.
And fuck blogger for not letting me format.

Ultrasound update

2006-02-16T16:13:00.000-06:00

Had another ultrasound today. I am 7w2d today.

There are still 2 sacs

Baby A measures 7w3d with a heartbeat of 156!

Baby B is measuring 6w3d with a heartbeat of 96.

There is still doubt whether baby B will make it, but Baby A is doing great.
I get another one next week at the RE's office. (I am turning into an ultrasound addict ;)

Don't keep a psycho away from her PIO

2006-02-14T14:57:00.000-06:00

So, I am still on the PIO. Well, I needed a refill so I did the online refill ordering on FRIDAY. I used the last of what I got last time last night, so went to the pharmacy today to pick it up.... THEY DIDN'T have it. There was a note from the weekend pharmacist that I was reordering it too soon, and that we could reorder it today. Now the pharmacy doesn't keep it in stock, because PIO is not a commonly prescribed drug in a town of 13K.

I lost it. I started shaking and said in a very angry voice "If I have a miscarriage, I'm suing ******** pharamacy". Jeez, I am not usually like that... but the thought of not having the PIO tonight was too much for me to take.

They did call around town and found another pharmacy that had it, so I got it. The reason why I refilled too soon? They only gave me one vial last time instead of 3. So it is THERE fault all the way around >:(

While the pharmacist was calling around, I started crying. Thank goodness C was there to help me through it. He thought I had lost my mind, I think,

Did you see this?

2006-02-12T17:09:00.000-06:00

Apparently Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter this weekend. I don't know about any of you other folks, but I found this quite hilarious. I am not a fan of this "regime" and anything bad that any of them do, well, just makes my day. http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/02/12/cheney.ap/index.html

Where to begin

2006-02-12T11:52:00.000-06:00

What to say. I've been kind of just going day by day. I am fearful again that things are not going well. I guess having had 4 miscarriages does that to you. I haven't been having a lot of symptoms (today I'm 6w5d) and guess I'd feel better if I had more symptoms. Mainly I just don't really want to eat much, but am not really having any m/s or all day sickness. .

My husband has been great. He’s taking care of me, even though there is not a lot to do right now, LOL. He’s getting really excited about this whole thing. The hardest part so far is not having had sex for YIKES, a long time. My RE wants us to wait until after the ultrasound this week. Now I just have to hope they have a spot open this week.

Not much else new to report here. I’m sorry this is boring :(
Hopefully by the end of this week I’ll have an ultrasound update for one and all!

Well....

2006-02-03T17:09:00.000-06:00

I had my ultrasound today. We did both a transabdominal and a transvaginal. I was duly shocked when, on the transabdominal, we found not one but two gestational sacs! Then switched to the transvaginal, and still, two sacs. However, one is a bit bigger than the other measuring at 5w6d and the other is 5w2d. I am currently 5w3d so until proven otherwise, I have an overachiever and an underachiever. The bigger sac had a yolk sac in it :*). So all my angst was for naught. BLogger, however, remains a pain as I cannot tab or use the return key.

Urgh

2006-02-01T12:09:00.000-06:00

I am currently feeling as if something is wrong. (besides Blogger sucking right now and being unable to tab or to hit return). My breasts are less sore. I am still tired (but that is not anything really new), still feel either really hungry or not hungry at all. Guess it is a good thing I am getting an ultrasound on Friday. There is no cramping, no spotting or anything else. Just feel like, hey, this can't possibly work. Don't mind the great betas or anything. Sigh.

Now What?

2006-01-28T13:46:00.000-06:00

Well, so far, so good. No further spotting (knock on wood). I am scared to say that because I fear something bad will happen. Like the gods of pregnancy will be looking and saying, look at that smug bitch, we'll get her. (some credit has to go to Liana, I believe she said similar things). That doesn't change feeling that way, ya know?

NBHHY. I'm just waiting for it.

The other thing is the feeling of what do I do now? I don't feel like I really belong anywhere. As I am pg, I am not currently IF (or am I?). I, however, do not feel really like I belong with those who are pg.

There is also the guilt. Guilt for those who are still trying. It seems so unfair that there are so many wonderful women who are trying so hard, and have not yet achieved a pg that hangs around.

Of course, I still don't feel that this is really real. I don't really have any morning sickness, but do feel a little "blah". I am tired all the time. However, I tend to wake up around 3am then about every hour or half-hour until I get up at 7 or so (weekend) or 6 during the week.

So I'll go back to NBHHY and just hope.

and the next?

2006-01-26T14:33:00.000-06:00

Today's beta at 13dp3dt (16 days past retrieval) is 1020.

Doubling time of 42. hrs.

Not too shabby. I haven't had any spotting for a couple of days (knock on wood)

We're now reaching the time frame where I lost my other pregnancies. So I'm on tenterhooks.

And the verdict is:

2006-01-24T10:35:00.000-06:00

Beta HCG today: 468 Today is 11dp3dt (or 14 days post retrieval)

Not too shabby. Will now await Thursdays' numbers....

I was tagged

2006-01-22T13:44:00.000-06:00

Guess that means "I'm IT"

here goes:

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was finishing up my General Surgery residency and trying to decide if I was going to do a fellowship. Also trying to figure out how to tell my then husband I didn't want to be married to him anymore

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Enjoying my new Job in Minnesota.

Name 5 Snacks you enjoy
Popcorn
Chips and dip
Nachos and salsa
brownies
cheese

Name 5 things you would do with a million dollars
Pay off bills: Mortgage, cars, student loans primarily. These would allow me to not worry about job stress quite so much.

5 bad habits
hate housework
I will wash and dry clothes, but hate folding and putting them away
I procrastinate, A LOT
buying things we don't really NEED
driving too fast

5 things I like doing
spending time with hubby
playing with the dog
driving too fast
reading blogs
daydream about a new car

5 things I would never wear, buy, or get new again...
elephant leg pants
bikini
hip huggers
high heels
fur coat (never had one, but I'd never get one)

5 favorite toys or games
Munchkin
PS2
catch phrase
toys that we play with the dog
Lord of the Rings

Scare

2006-01-22T11:32:00.000-06:00

Ugh, I had a bit of a scare this am. Got up to pee, POAS (yes, again) and it immediately came up positive. EPT this time.

Went to wipe and there was a small amount of brown discharge. Not much, but having had 4 miscarriages in the past, this is how they all started. So, friggin scare the everloving shit out of me.

I've been to pee twice more since then and not really any spotting or anything now.

I am not sure how strong I can be if this is all for naught, KWIM?

Sigh

Yes, I am an addict

2006-01-21T11:13:00.000-06:00

But I can stop whenever I want... really. My husband doesn't believe it though.

I'm on stick #3. Yes, I am a POAS addict. It was so bad, that last night I made hubby stop at the 24 hour supermarket to try to buy some, but they are under lock and key. Since I live in a town of about 16K and my picture has been in the paper recently several times (an ad campaign for the hospital), didn't think I should broadcast it, ya know?

Well, like I said, I'm on stick #3 (started Thursday night, then yesterday evening now this am). First one was unequivocally negative. Last nights was, well, there were two lines. Today, there is unquestionably two lines.

Beta is Tuesday. I've got 3 more sticks to use till then. I'll really have to work hard on doing at least one with FMU. LOL

Other than two lines on a HPT, I have no other real symptoms that I can't attribute to the massive amounts of estrogen and progesterone I take daily.

Not sure how I feel right now either. It's very difficult... as many of you know.. to go through several years of IF, miscarriages, invasive treatments and still have feelings of hope at the end.

I'll keep you poasted (oops, posted)

Grrr

2006-01-19T17:49:00.000-06:00

Somehow, I apparently changed settings on my blog only allowing those on the "team" to comment. Thank goodness for friends letting me know!

I apologize to anyone who tried to comment, but was unable to.

On the IVF front, there is nothing new to add. No real symptoms going on. I'm taking drugs, having some breast tenderness, but seem to have more tenderness during an unmedicated cycle.

I've had occasional twinges in my pelvis, but nothing that I can pinpoint. I'm still doing well with the caffeine (staying away from it, that is). I've been drinking a lot of water and some fruit juices and some gatorade.

I'll think about POAS maybe this weekend. But I'm scared that if I see a BFN I"ll get crazy. Although there is a part of me deep inside that says that I'm not pregnant.

5dp3dt

2006-01-18T10:33:00.000-06:00

And I'm losing it. It is so hard waiting. I think I saw on Cecily's blog that as of 1/13/06 I am PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). That is still a tough thing.

On the positive side, I quit my horrible Diet Peps* and Mounta8n D3w habit. Quit it cold turkey. Didn't have any headaches either, and I usually do get them. I think the Lupron headaches took away my capability of having headaches for a while (maybe not, but that's my story now).

I have this dreaded urge to POAS. It's stupid, I shouldn't do it. I'll make sure I don't buy any of those HPT's.... (yeah, right).

Beta is 6 days away....

SIX

2006-01-15T09:43:00.000-06:00

We have six embryos to freeze! Yay :)

Hopefully we won't need them, or will only need them for a sibling, but I can't really think that positively. Six is a good number though.

Today is 2dp3dt. I have 9 more days to go until beta. ARRRRGGGGHHHH.

At least I get to go back to work tomorrow. That'll take my mind off of things... somewhat.

And thank you to everyone for their kind comments. I can't believe I get any comments!

The everpopular 2ww has begun

2006-01-13T20:28:00.000-06:00

I'm home.

We transferred 2 beautiful 8 celled embryos. They were both compacting, which is apparently good. Transfer went without any problems.

The valium let me be less stressed on the drive. I drive better than my hubby, he's one of the first to say so. Traffic in the cities sucks, to put it nicely. Our drive which is usually 1hr 45 minutes was a good 2 hours.

On the way home... I just got to sleep, which was nice. Then took a nap for about 2 hours. Now I'm laying on the couch with one of the cats laying on my legs and the dog on the floor next to me. Hubby is on the couch also.

Beta is in 11 days.

Waiting is FUN

2006-01-12T17:18:00.000-06:00

Hi everyone. Sorry that this is so late in the day :)

I sat at home all morning waiting for the embryologist to call. Waiting and waiting.... no call. C got home from class and asked "what did they say?" I was like we didn't get a call yet, I bet something bad happened, and they wanted to wait.

So I told him I was going to take a shower (I hadn't even done that for fear of missing the phone)... and he could answer the phone. Gave him instructions what to ask and all that.When I got upstairs, I decided to check and make sure we didn't have any messages. They called at 8:52am Central time. The phone sure as spit never rang. SO I called them back. They had left time for retrieval and stuff.

They got 22 eggs and 17 fertilized!!! They will pick out the best embryos tomorrow and take pictures and all that. I am so excited! We should have a good number to freeze. Yippee! I will take 10 mg of Valium before transfer. I hardly drink and take no medications, so it should hit me like a ton of bricks. Our clinic typically transfers 2.

I'll keep you updated as I lay in my 48hours of bedrest :).

K

Waiting... and waiting

2006-01-11T17:06:00.000-06:00

It seems as if when you have problems conceiving, everything is all about the wait (and often the weight, also). One is always waiting for something. You're waiting for your period to end or to begin. You're waiting for the next appointment. Waiting waiting waiting.

Guh.

Now the wait is for tomorrow's phone call. The embryologist is to call and let us know how things are going. We will also find out when to show for transfer (you see, I'm assuming there WILL BE a transfer). Of course there is always the chance that none fertilized or none grew or ....

The drugs are driving me batshit. I tried the other night 4 times to give myself the PIO shot. I've given myself so many shots that I don't know why I just couldn't. But I couldn't. I got shaky and flushed. :( I have given myself IM shots before too. Maybe there is only so many needles one girl can stick herself with, eh?

So we find out tomorrow.

I'll let you know.

2006-01-09T22:00:00.000-06:00

Things are progressing.

The donor got her HCG on Sunday. She goes to retrieval tomorrow. I was told she has 11 follicles that look mature. Hoping that we get 11 eggs.

Hubby goes tomorrow also to give his donation.

I had a mini-meltdown tonight. C was at school and I start my PIO shots tonight. I think I have heard way too much about how horrible these are. I was going to give it to myself, but could NOT do it.

I've given myself plenty of shots. Gonal-F, Follistim, Pergonal, Lupron, Lovenox (STINGS). Pergonal is an IM shot. I had to give it to myself a few times during my IVF cycle. HCG - IM. No problem. I think reading about other folks experiences with PIO made me hesitant.

Anyway, we should go to transfer on Friday. I get to take 10mg of valium and drink plenty of fluids so I have a full bladder. Sounds like grand fun, eh?

Insurance and Flex accounts suck

2006-01-02T21:36:00.000-06:00

As with many, we have insurance. Also as with many, it does not cover IVF. No problem, I say. I'll put the max in my Flex account this year. That way, it will at least be pre tax dollars and lessen my tax burden. Of course, if you have a flex account, you know that if you don't use it, you lose it. (which I think is BS - IT IS MY MONEY). So...

Here is where I get pissed at my RE's office. They will not provide any itemized bills for the DE IVF cycle. It's a "package". So I send in a copy of my receipt to the FLex people. (hey, 13K is nothing to sneeze at... and that doesn't include the donor payout). I get rejected. Fuckers.

So I have to Appeal. I have to Appeal to get my own money. It's not like I'm making any money on this deal. FUCKERS. you'd think I'm taking dinner off of the flex people's table.

Pisses me off (can you tell).

On our way - to somewhere

2005-12-30T15:02:00.000-06:00

Happy eve of New Years Eve everyone. Hope that 2006 brings us all what we're hoping for.

The other day, hubby and I were driving to a friend's house for dinner. I asked him what he thought of our upcoming DE cycle, as we haven't talked about it much other than to decide to do it. His comment was along the lines of "it's almost a shame we have this technology, but it would be nice if we could just get on with it.." Now I didn't take umbrage, but I know some would. In his mind, if we just faced whatever (adoption, life without kids) we would be better off. DE is not a 100% guarantee... unfortunately. He hates to see me hurt, as I do after a failed cycle. I love him for that.

So, got to visit with the wand monkey yesterday. Lining is good, await estrogen levels, but I'm swimming in EWCM, so it should be a nice high number. Donor should be starting stims ... we're on our way.

We call them next Friday to see where the donor is and find out when she gets her HCG. I took the following week off, so hopefully it'll be early in the week.

The Great White North

2005-12-24T17:16:00.000-06:00

Or something like that. We moved to Minnesota in March of 2004. Moved in our SUV with 3 cats. Nowhere to stay along the way... so we drove straight through with a stop at a rest area in Ohio (I believe) for a cat nap. Almost 24 hours in the car.

Moved into our house. Cats, hubby and myself getting acclimated. Start talking about trying to get an appointment at a new RE to get started. We do that, and the RE says that we really should think strongly about donor egg. We're not so keen at first. So we wait.

Then in November we say, hey, let's get on the list. Well, it takes around a year to get to the top of the list. YIKES. We sign up.

Just going about life. I'm working and hubby is going back to school. Life is good. Not really keeping good tabs on my cycle... and surprise. April of 2005 I take a HPT because it's been a while since my period.. and it's +!

Get a beta and it's around 200. Repeat goes over 700. Things look good, right? Well I'm not convinced. I have a feeling of dooooom. And in a couple of days, I start spotting. Of course it can be nothing... what do you think? It is definitely something. Beta is now only 900. Start having right sided pains and my OB/GYN thinks I might be having an ectopic. Ultrasound is inconclusive. Go on to beta falling to zero and a miscarriage.

So thank goodness we did not take ourselves off of the list, right? Now just continue to wait. We do finally get a match... it's now October....

Donor then gets a job promotion and we have to put off our cycle for a month.

We are now in the midst of the donor egg cycle. I'll keep you all posted!

Here we go again...

2005-12-23T20:54:00.000-06:00

After the last miscarriage, we had to make a move. We were moving from NC to PA. Hubby's family lives in PA, and my family consists of my sister and a niece who live in Florida. We wanted to move closer to family and chose the hubby's as I do NOT want to live in Florida. So off we go....

I haven't mentioned what I do yet, have I? I am a general and vascular surgeon. So we moved to PA and I had a job working in Trenton, NJ. Not the best move for me. The hospital was in a bad area and I worked as if I were back in residency. Now that's not all bad, if you are making reasonable money. But the people I worked with... It didn't seem as if they really wanted me to succeed. So.....

While there, we went to our second RE. She was nice... Some of her office staff leaves a lot to be desired, but nothing is perfect. So, still unexplained IF. Let's do injectables and IUI.

Now many of you know that IF coverage is mandatory in NJ... But hubby is carrying the insurance and his company is in PA. So no coverage for meds . Do have some coverage for ultrasounds and blood work. But at any rate, we go through 3 injectable IUI cycles. No success with any of those. I responded less and less for each one, despite increasing the dose of meds.

Moving on to IVF.

Do one cycle of IVF... get 7 follies, 5 eggs, 4 fertilize and divide, transfer 3 (why didn't we do 4, I don't know)....

No success here either.

Sigh. We are depressed, as you can imagine. Time to take some time off from intervention and besides, my job and my hubby's job are both so crazy that we just don't really have time to do anything. So we're working on another move... new job for me and a new state:

MINNESOTA here we come.

History Part Deux (same ol same ol)

2005-12-22T05:37:00.000-06:00

So we left off where finally, get a positive on a home pregnancy test followed by a miscarriage. Well we were quite depressed, as you might imagine. To have the goal seem so close, yet still so far away. But the good news is that we COULD get pregnant... just have to try more.

So, out comes the monitor again and the charting. We can do this, we said. Now I've read up more and have read about luteal phase defects and low progesterone. I had the miscarriage in May... and low and behold, on our first wedding anniversary, another BFP! Now this one has to work, right? How could fate be so cruel as to give me a pregnancy and then take it away.

Fate can and is that cruel, as many of you in blogland know. I had a beta done and it was positive (double digits, but I can't remember the number). Progesterone level (I had to badger to get that done) was low. Started on suppositories, to no avail. Beta numbers did not double. Repeat 2 days, more of the same. Ultrasound, no sac, no evidence of a tubal, but it is likely that this pregnancy was either a tubal or a chemical pregnancy. Spotting/bleeding followed, beta levels to zero.

Next cycle... not starting as it should. On a whim, I take a test.. It is positive. Now, remember that the beta went to ZERO after my miscarriage.... So is it to be???

Nope. More of the same as the last. Low beta, slow rising. This time, had to induce a miscarriage with the drug put up the vagina (can't remember the name). Ugh.

So we're at 3 miscarriages.

More to come, I promise!

A little history on us

2005-12-14T11:01:00.000-06:00

I haven't really gone into much detail about C and me. We have been together since September of 1998 and got married in October of 2001. We essentially never used any form of birth control during that time. I am currently 42 and he is 32.

Before we got married, we went through a preliminary workup for IF as we had been having regular sex and no pregnancy ensued. HSG - normal, SA - normal; bloodwork - normal. So, I fell into the unexplained category. I also have regular cycles 24-26 days like clockwork.

After marriage, I started charting and using a fertility monitor. Low and behold, in April of 2002 I got the so rumored unachievable double line! Life is good. Bloodwork obtained (beta only) and was good. Repeated in 2 days, more than doubled, life is great!

Now, knowing this is an IF blog and it is 3 + years later, there is more.

Of course later that day I began spotting. Repeat blood the next day and exam. Beta still increasing as it should, nothing on exam. Stopped spotting. Then later (mother's day weekend) I began bleeding in droves, with the worst cramps I could ever imagine. Of course they not only hurt the body, but the soul. I felt as if I was dying. My husband was supportive and was sad also.

No problem, we can try again, right?

TBC....

Saturday CD#1

2005-12-10T14:21:00.000-06:00

I cannot for the life of me think up witty titles for my posts. There are so many in blogland who have such great wit, I, alas am not one of those. I can be very funny in person, but cannot write that way.

Today is CD#1 and day 6 of Lupron. I've been a little crabby the past couple of days, but that is kind of normal for me. I, over the years, have become more and more bitchy around the time of my period. And of course my poor hubby is typically the recipient of my crabbiness.

I will go on Thursday for an ultrasound and estrogen level. For this ultrasound, we want a thin thin lining and low estrogen (to show the lupron is doing it's thing).

I got a comment! I was so psyched. I never thought anyone would take the time to read the mumblings of someone like me.

Hope you bloggers on the East coast are all doing well, especially those in NJ north.

Have they no shame?

2005-12-04T14:01:00.000-06:00

Today, we were at Applebees eating a nice lunch when 3 women got seated behind us. Immediately it was all preggo talk. "I just love it when people come up to me and rub my belly" states one proudly. "oh, you're so small and cute" the other says. Puke. I lost all enjoyment in my lunch at that time. We were seated there for about 15 minutes with them behind us and there was nothing but preggo talk. People at work are preggo, people everywhere... everyone thinks I'm so cute preggo. BLECH. Can't you talk about anything else? I thought momentarily about saying "yeah, I've been pregnant 4 times, but had 4 miscarriages" in discussion with hubby.

On the IV treatment front, I took my first dose of Lupron today. That didn't burn or sting or anything. It has such a nice tiny needle. I think the needle for Lovenox is slightly bigger :( Hurts more anyway.

Anyone out there take lupron before for suppression? What kind of symptoms have you had?

Another day...

2005-11-30T08:26:00.000-06:00

Well, I talked to the office. I start Lupron on 12/4. Yay. I hope that some day soon my brain realizes that this is happening. I'll then go in on the 15th for bloodwork and an ultrasound. Then add estrace and cut back on the lupron (assuming that study is ok). THen return on the 29th for another ultrasound/bloodwork - to check on the lining. If all is well, should be doing a transfer the week of January 9th. Hopefully earlier in the week as I took that week off work.

Just hope our donor is good.

I found out on Monday night that one of the ladies I work with had a miscarriage over Thanksgiving. That just sucks. She has 3 kids already, but I'm sure it's still rough. It brought back memories of my miscarriages. I've had 4. The first was on Mother's day. Doesn't get much more ironic that than, eh?

+OPK

2005-11-25T20:05:00.000-06:00

Got a + OPK last night and this morning. Expect that I'll O in a day or two. I felt some twinges in my right ovary today. Once I O, I'll start Lupron 7 days after that. Not really looking forward to that.

Then in 10 days, I'll get an ultrasound and estrogen level. Hopefully it'll fall on a Thursday because then I won't have to take off of work. Because 2 weeks after that, I'll have to have another ultrasound. Fun stuff as we have to drive 2 hours for that appointment. Nothing much more fun than driving 2 hours to get a cooter cam. Ugh.

Hope that all had a great thanksgiving. We went to a friend's house. Apparently my husband's Grandmother thought we were going there for T-giving. Not good considering I have to be on call today and tomorrow.

No shopping for me today. Cannot abide the crazyness that accompanies it especially the early morening shopping (at the evil empire - Wal Mart.)

Well...

2005-11-20T21:57:00.000-06:00

I'm now waiting to ovulate. 10 days after I ovulate, I will start the Lupron. I've never taken this before, but I do understand that some people have significant side effects from Lupron. We'll see.

My big beef with my RE's office is their lack of assistance with giving me some sort of itemized statement so that I can turn it in to my flex program and get reimbursed. Seems like when someone is making 13 thousand dollars from me, they could be a little helpful.

I haven't mentioned this, but I'm also a doctor. Guess that makes me a little more pissed. We do lots of things to help our patients so they are happy with the care we give them. So why can't these people do the same thing? Blech.

I don't think my brain has accepted the fact that we're getting ready to start this. I am kind of ambivant about the whole thing for now. Guess maybe when I'm chemically menopausal from the Lupron I'll take notice.

Donor egg

2005-11-12T15:30:00.000-06:00

Well, we are getting ready for our donor egg cycle. We were supposed to be in progress now, but our donor just got a job promotion and needed the week of retrieval off for job related traveling. Put a big damper on me, as I had just picked up my medications for my part and we had paid for her meds.

So we will start Lupron 7 days after I ovulate this month. Today is CD#1 for me, so we're probably looking at starting Lupron the first week of December or so. Fun stuff, I'm told.

I just found out today that a girl on a loop that I"ve been on for a couple of years just lost her 6 year old. (why do we say lost? He's not lost really, he died from complications of asthma). How sad is that? When I hear of stuff like this, I wonder why I want children. Why do I want to love something so much that if something would happen to them, that I would certainly want to be dead too?

I am not very good at this, so I'll just keep working at it. Hopefully, I'll be more consistent and with practice, get better. It would be something to look back upon if our IVF works. If not, I'll probably delete it.

First post

2005-07-27T02:02:00.000-05:00

Hi. I'm Kellie and I'm a 41 year old still trying to have baby number 1. Hubby and I have been through multiple IUI's with injectables and one IVF cycle. I have progressively produced fewer and fewer follies with each attempt.

We are now on a donor egg list. We've been on it since November of 2004, and are moving up to the top. We're around #6 or less. Had to have a sono last week and get to repeat that as I had a "wrinkle" in my endometrium. SIgh.

I've had 4 miscarriages with 4 spontaneous pregnancies. (No drugs or artifice) No one can say why I can't get past the 5th week of pg.

So here I'll post my hopes, dreams, fears, etc of a 41, almost 42 year old trying to conceive.